Best sellers, by the numbers

“Thirteen dragon stories and you won't lift a finger. The dragons do all the lifting.”

“A haunted mansion full of old books. Grumpy's nightmare is the books. Headphones on, lights stay on.”

“A man collects people's stories. Grumpy collects excuses not to read. Only one of us is inspiring.”

“A whole book on connecting with people. I connected with my couch instead. Deep bond.”

“Real talk, read by the guy who lived it. Even I can't call this homework. Hit play.”

“Thirty-one chapters, one a day. Even I can commit to that, as long as somebody reads them to me.”

“Every chapter ends with homework. Good news: the lecture part fits neatly into your commute.”

“A honeymoon going wrong in Paris, and you won't even flip a page. Very romantic of you.”

“Thirteen dragon stories and you won't lift a finger. The dragons do all the lifting.”

“Spicy enough to fog your earbuds. Listening on a crowded train? Keep the volume low and your face neutral.”

“A novel about poetry snobs, enjoyed by someone who refuses to read poetry. Perfect.”

“A man, a cat, and a death dungeon. Still less terrifying than an actual page.”

“A manuscript nobody should read? Perfect. Grumpy never reads anything. Let the narrators take the risk.”

“A haunted mansion full of old books. Grumpy's nightmare is the books. Headphones on, lights stay on.”

“Thirteen dragon stories and you won't lift a finger. The dragons do all the lifting.”

“Forty years of waiting for a sequel and you still won't read it. Respect. Press play.”

“A man collects people's stories. Grumpy collects excuses not to read. Only one of us is inspiring.”

“A honeymoon going wrong in Paris, and you won't even flip a page. Very romantic of you.”

“Sixteen hours of faction drama. Pick the faction where somebody else does the reading.”

“A novel about a piano prodigy, enjoyed by someone who quit recorder in third grade.”

“A manuscript nobody should read? Perfect. Grumpy never reads anything. Let the narrators take the risk.”

“A haunted mansion full of old books. Grumpy's nightmare is the books. Headphones on, lights stay on.”

“Thirteen dragon stories and you won't lift a finger. The dragons do all the lifting.”

“Forty years of waiting for a sequel and you still won't read it. Respect. Press play.”

“A honeymoon going wrong in Paris, and you won't even flip a page. Very romantic of you.”

“A novel about a piano prodigy, enjoyed by someone who quit recorder in third grade.”

“Three women defy 1933 society. You can't even defy the couch. Press play; they'll do the brave part.”

“Two actors get famous. You get to hear it while folding laundry. Everybody wins except paper.”

“Tissues recommended. Page-turning optional, because the author reads it to you himself.”

“She prepares for every emergency. Grumpy's emergency plan: never open a 464-page book. Audiobook it is.”

“A whole novel about tutoring? I'd rather skip class. Lucky for you, headphones count as attendance.”

“Book three of a trilogy. Never finished book one? Perfect time to start pressing play.”

“An influencer loses Wi-Fi and goes to 1855. Grumpy lost his bookmark once. Equally traumatic.”

“An 81-year-old with a dark past and zero patience. Finally, a role model. Grumpy approves.”

“Three scary stories, zero pages to turn. Keep the lights on and both hands free for clutching.”

“Ann Patchett reads it to you herself. That's basically bedtime story privileges for grown-ups. No flashlight needed.”

“A movie star reads you his life story. Basically a film you watch with your eyes closed.”

“Hearing Alice Cooper tell his own stories beats squinting at tiny print in a dark room. Far more theatrical.”

“Thirty-one chapters, one a day. Even I can commit to that, as long as somebody reads them to me.”

“An operating manual you don't have to read. Finally, a manual I respect.”

“Step one of being good at life: get someone else to read the self-help book to you.”

“A book about quiet, read out loud into your ears. I see the irony. I'm still listening.”

“Why climb the steps of a hardcover? Stallone will carry you up.”

“A royal family story told by family. Much better than squinting at footnotes.”

“A whole book on talking to people, and you'll still text 'running late' from the parking lot.”